I'm Done

Parenting. I'm done parenting. I do not want to parent anymore. I don't want anyone to ask me for money, I don't want to drive anyone to lessons or the mall. I don't want to make snack lunches, I don't want to do laundry, I really, really don't want to make dinner FOR ANYONE, I don't want to delegate chores, I DON'T WANT TO.

These people are taking up some prime mental real estate of mine and it's really bringing me down.

Don't they see I have shit that I am trying to figure out and do? F uu uccckk k. Their needs are stressing me out. Stop needing me.

It brings me back to a time about five years ago when my addict was in full swing. I was constantly snapping at my kids when ever they would ask me something small. It took me a while to realize why I was sooo bitchy with them; all my mind and heart wanted to do was to struggle with emotional issues around my husband, how dare they interrupt?

Back then I was counting on being miserable as a way to cope, constantly thinking about him.

Today I see the same thing happening, only it's not him - he's not using. Sure, I use some of his more exhausting qualities to amplify my current stresses, but, all in all, I believe it is this Project: Get a Life that is squashing me.

Project: Get a Life consists of me trying to convince funders that they should fund me for a two year diploma program. I have been told that they will most likely not fund a two year program... but you can try. I have been told they will most likely not fund the type of program I am asking for... but you can try.

We will dangle this carrot in front of you... and you can try and jump really, really high, but if you don't jump good enough, pretty enough, eloquently enough, high enough... you're gonna get a big psych! as we pull the carrot away.

So, I am stressing that I should prepare their application in such a way that I will be deemed GOOD ENOUGH. Ugh! Is it not bad enough that I have struggled as I have? Pu lease!

Being seen as GOOD ENOUGH is a big deal to me, well... to my ego.

I am afraid that through this experience I have wholly and completely lost my Power of Now. The worms are squirming in my belly; god, will I be good enough, will I finally have a real job?

For a wee girl that grew up on da welfare and lacks formal schooling, this is a really big deal to me. I don't know why everybody around me can't see this?

Don't my kids realize I have been waiting and working all their lives to reach this goal so that I can be a good role model and have money to support them?

Don't they know that every time their little bird mouths open for more of life's sustenance my heart goes heavy with the desire to be the perfect mommy?

Oh Eckhart, look what I have done... my ego has come in the back door, again. Can't you just come over? We'll have tea and maybe you could hold my hand or something.

mantra: finding peace

Purpose and Passion

Have you seen that video where some crazy kids take a Mentos and drop in a bottle of diet Coke? Well, if an egg in a frying pan is your brain on drugs, then that footage, that Mentos in diet Coke, is my brain on life- true life. This is my life on Purpose and Passion

However, it feels like I am constantly at the pre explosion point, perpetually waiting for the combinations of life to meet, combust, and release in celebration.

I think that it is called joy. I think that this feeling is the feeling that one has when they are simply on the right road. It is a feeling of excitement.

My brain wants to confuse it with how it is connected to the future, what does this feeling mean to my future? Does it mean that great things are about to happen? Because, it feels like they are.

No. I have realized it does not mean that great things are afoot. It does not mean I have done the right things and am about to be rewarded as my brain would like to think it feels.

It means that I have, and continue to, act accordingly to my purpose and passion, and this feeling is the reward. Great things aren't about to happen, great things are happening.

I keep thinking that I am waiting for the outside world to make me right, to confirm me.

But, when I realize that this feeling, this explosive joy, is of what is, not what is about to be, well... it makes things different.

Do I want that publisher to come around and say "we love it! Let's go"? Yes, yes I do. But this feeling of joy isn't connected to the possibility of that happening.

This feeling of joy is...

I shit you not.


mantra: excitement