Outside Voice, Inside Elephant

Marriage really, truly, is a funny thing.

I like my husband, generally. I think that he is a very good looking guy, overall. But... lately, sigh.

I've said it before, and I will say it again: What with his initial opiate relapse in early 2000, his horrendous struggle to get clean, his internal struggle and adjustment from prison life to a pro social life, his two year clean time, his relapse, his short lived clean time, his relapse, and then the Pegatron treatment for Hepatitis C... Ohmyfuckinggod.

This weekend, what with my nicotine levels being very challenged and the sun refusing to shine, I began to really, truly, see what commitment is.

I can't stand him right now. I can't fucking stand him. I am so serious... I am so fucking done with this shit. Every time he opens his mouth, I cringe. His black energy feels like a noose around my neck and I can't breath.

I could sense myself falling into a mild depression: I can't find a reason to do my hair, what's the point in getting dressed, why bother cleaning the house, etc. I am starting to feel as ugly as the energy around me. So, in desperation I said to my husband, "I'm ugly, aren't I."

To which he said, "Yup, your ugly and I'm old and ugly. We should never leave the house."

"That doesn't help" I sighed.

He smiled and said, "You're not ugly... you're beautiful" with just a little awe. "I feel ugly" he continued. "I come downstairs in my robe, haunched over like Papa (his stroked grandfather), skinny and grey... I can't imagine what you see. I am ugly."

It was an honest and raw omission for him, so I said, "Well, you're certainly not physically ugly... ... hunny (?)."

Oops! I think I said that out loud. It was just such a natural thing to say, and it came out so quickly.

I giggled, "Oops, did I just say that out loud?"

He smirked, somewhat regretfully, "It's okay, I know. I am emotionally ugly... I know."

Ooo, ouch. That's gotta hurt.

However, I'm glad he knows it and knows that I know, because I was getting really tired of trying to be nice about it; trying to make like I didn't see it.

His emotional ugliness has been a white elephant in our house. I've been saying it nicely to myself and him, appeasing myself and protecting him with things like: He's sick, it's not his fault, blah, blah, and blah.

While those are all true... nothing says it more clearly than he is emotionally ugly. He is a mess.

Having exposed the white elephant, I think I feel a little more free and less responsible for him. Somehow knowing that he knows this about himself frees me from having to protect him or me from it.

We have two months left of this treatment...

...marriage is funny thing.

mantra: detached commitment

Eleven Years

This year marks our eleventh year together. My husband (although we are not married; because, neither of us believe that legalizing our marriage has anything to do with commitment- marriage is also a state of being) has always been a bit o' a Grinch. Consumerism blah blah blah, if I want to buy you a gift I don't need a day to be told to do it blah blah blah, I'll buy you a gift any other day than these days (Valentines, birthday, christmas) blah blah blah.

To which I always said, LIAR. Pu lease... that one is so old it doesn't even warrant a response!

You get used to living with a shopping and gift challenged person. Instead of them wearing a protective helmet, you wear it- so you can bang your head against the wall. You do little things like buy yourself little gifts and put them under the tree so the kids don't ask why you aren't opening anything. You learn to be happy with this and know that you are taking care of yourself.

His grinchness is his shit.

Then, slowly, things change. One year , when you only buy him socks, and only because he needs them, he buys you the MP3 player you mentioned. Then, another year, possibly this year, he goes out and buys gifts. He even buys one for the family- from the dog.

After eleven years of marriage, I think that he actually had fun giving gifts. I think his heart grew 3 sizes. He managed to put aside his shit and have fun giving, and he did whatever (read: horrible consumerism) it took to do that.

It's not about the money, he didn't spend that much on me. They were simple, lovely, thoughtful, gifts that I will use.

It was nice for me to be a part of chirstmas in that way. To love and be loved- which is to say be thought of by my husband; to be recognized as someone he would like to see smile.

That was probably the best gift this year.

And hey, it only took eleven years. Who needs a marriage certificate when you have this level of commitment?