Within the first year of meeting my husband, it became apparent that he had a twitch. Every now and then his head would... jolt, almost as if he was shaking something off but in one quick robotic like fashion.
We were pretty new together, and he didn't seem to want to notice that it happened, so I thought I would just let it go. It was just one of those little ticks that people have. However, it eventually got to a point where I said "okay, enough... what is going on?"
"What?" he asked evasively.
"Why do you keep shaking your head like that?"
His nervous laughter and inner comedian kicked in as it does when he tries to deny he has unresolved issues that run deep and probably hurt.
"S'nothing..." he said, shaking me off.
He had previously told me about an accident that had happened with the work crew in jail, he had accidentally been beaned over the head with a fence post pounder, and I suggested that maybe there was some nerve damage?Just maybe? This seemed medical enough and completely far enough away from any connections to damage from memories, thoughts, and/or feelings, that he was able to consider it and thus admit he had a TWITCH....
Fast forward a few years later when he is in the throws of of his addiction and withdrawal and the twitch is noticeably more. He goes to therapy for addiction issues and they discuss this twitch as well. Turns out, oddly enough, that he has Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and is suffering from prison flashbacks; go figure.
One by one he sorted out coping methods, and he, like me, logically strong minded his way through. However, it turns out that maybe you can't logically strong mind your way through things, like maybe that's an oxymoron. You can't logically force what is into what isn't.
Now, since being on this Hep C treatment and losing every coping method he ever had, this twitch has been upgraded. He has recently dealt with a work issue that is coming to an even greater head, and he replays the politics of the days events over and over again. If you took out the five minutes between each time his entire body now flinched and jolted, you could say he was having an seizure that lasts all day. His body is physically manifesting that which he will not admit he is powerless to. He is doing the ( albeit, intermittent) funky chicken while sitting beside me on the couch.
It really is quite fascinating to watch.
It is like all these years that led up to now, all the work he has done emotionally to build a new foundation for a new life, is being bulldozed. When he got out of prison he spoke of how he had built a new, proverbial, house that was strong and solid. He smashed the old one down and rebuilt. But, it would seem, as all the walls to the this new house crumble under the pressure of this treatment, that when he rebuilt this strong new house... he never did address the termites that took down his first house. He never solved or admitted these termites were there and they eventually took him down again. He told himself there couldn't be termites because he built a STRONG MAN'S HOUSE, a house of bricks; turns out it was faux brick with fluffy cotton morter or something..., because they're everywhere, and he doesn't want to see them. Or, does he?
Last night, as we were lying in bed talking and he was flinching, mentally disasterbating over what he did say or didn't say at work that day. I suggested (yet again) that this treatment could be a good thing as he has been brought to an awareness of how deep his dysfunctional mind patterns go. He doesn't even hear what he's thinking now, his brain process these negative thoughts so fast... he's main lining disaster.
"Yeah" he said with a flinch. "There are some definite things I have to look at once I am off this treatment, and I need to make some personal changes with how I carry myself. I think I'll read that Eckhart Tolle, too."
Okay then, I think we might be getting somewhere...
mantra: disasterbating is a funny word
