Crazy Stupid Charm

The husband still comes to the house a lot. He picks up our daughter and hangs out with her here and works out in his garage. Usually, he sorta leaves before I get home from work, it all works out. We can be in the same room together. We're totally sane people who understand what it's going to take to remain good parents and shit. Whatever.

Today, in the garage, he found my old journal, the one that I kept when I was first with him. He read a few pages and passed it along, nostalgically. He thought it was sweet how I professed my love for him so many years ago. I took it and read it in the bath; it was beautiful, heartbreaking, sad, goofy... and endearing. I felt for me, what me was in for.What was most heartbreaking was reading how much I could still feel the things that old me felt about my relationship. The things that were problems then just turned into the same only very mature problems. Although things changed, the inner burdens just hung on.

Wasn't me going to be surprised when I told it that after all that, I had left him. We were no more. Back then, in the middle, I thought we were invincible. Forever and always, no matter what.

However, the beginning of the journal read a lot like the end felt.

Yeah, me is going to be shocked when I tell it how much has changed. Me might cry a bit at just how much I've grown and changed since the last entry in July 2004 - two months before I would move to where I am now to be with my freshly rehabed husband, two months before my ex took my daughter from me and pulled me through court because of the husbands past and his addiction, two months before I would be in the town where I would become who I am, start this blog, write a book, believe with all my heart that I'm worth the job I want- worth, now there's a word.

How lovely and crazy stupid charmed my life has been. I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's strange writing this here as I don't like writing this stuff on Mantramine anymore, but somehow it just seemed fitting to write this last little bit.

Maybe, I might write more personally elsewhere these days. It's nothin' special, by any means, but I might even have some new blog friends, sort of. How fun is that? I'm cheating on all of you.

I know that there are some of you that come here often... I suppose, if you want, you can email me and, if I don't know you and you don't live in a close proximity to me, I can redirect you. I don't know what will become of Mantramine. I know I can't let it go, I will always write something here and there. It's just, I keep trying to come here and say stuff that's on my mind, but it wont pass my finger-lips, not here. If you don't care so much to follow me, then please know that I feel pretty good about that, too. Less is more.

yeah. so... whatever.

I feel like I'm missing something, some words that are supposed to go here, words that I might be forgetting. I feel like a girl standing alone in an empty apartment and it's echoing in a way that makes your heart quench.

I don't know if I'm moving in or moving out.


Love always,