Within the first year of meeting my husband, it became apparent that he had a twitch. Every now and then his head would... jolt, almost as if he was shaking something off but in one quick robotic like fashion.
We were pretty new together, and he didn't seem to want to notice that it happened, so I thought I would just let it go. It was just one of those little ticks that people have. However, it eventually got to a point where I said "okay, enough... what is going on?"
"What?" he asked evasively.
"Why do you keep shaking your head like that?"
His nervous laughter and inner comedian kicked in as it does when he tries to deny he has unresolved issues that run deep and probably hurt.
"S'nothing..." he said, shaking me off.
He had previously told me about an accident that had happened with the work crew in jail, he had accidentally been beaned over the head with a fence post pounder, and I suggested that maybe there was some nerve damage?Just maybe? This seemed medical enough and completely far enough away from any connections to damage from memories, thoughts, and/or feelings, that he was able to consider it and thus admit he had a TWITCH....
Fast forward a few years later when he is in the throws of of his addiction and withdrawal and the twitch is noticeably more. He goes to therapy for addiction issues and they discuss this twitch as well. Turns out, oddly enough, that he has Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and is suffering from prison flashbacks; go figure.
One by one he sorted out coping methods, and he, like me, logically strong minded his way through. However, it turns out that maybe you can't logically strong mind your way through things, like maybe that's an oxymoron. You can't logically force what is into what isn't.
Now, since being on this Hep C treatment and losing every coping method he ever had, this twitch has been upgraded. He has recently dealt with a work issue that is coming to an even greater head, and he replays the politics of the days events over and over again. If you took out the five minutes between each time his entire body now flinched and jolted, you could say he was having an seizure that lasts all day. His body is physically manifesting that which he will not admit he is powerless to. He is doing the ( albeit, intermittent) funky chicken while sitting beside me on the couch.
It really is quite fascinating to watch.
It is like all these years that led up to now, all the work he has done emotionally to build a new foundation for a new life, is being bulldozed. When he got out of prison he spoke of how he had built a new, proverbial, house that was strong and solid. He smashed the old one down and rebuilt. But, it would seem, as all the walls to the this new house crumble under the pressure of this treatment, that when he rebuilt this strong new house... he never did address the termites that took down his first house. He never solved or admitted these termites were there and they eventually took him down again. He told himself there couldn't be termites because he built a STRONG MAN'S HOUSE, a house of bricks; turns out it was faux brick with fluffy cotton morter or something..., because they're everywhere, and he doesn't want to see them. Or, does he?
Last night, as we were lying in bed talking and he was flinching, mentally disasterbating over what he did say or didn't say at work that day. I suggested (yet again) that this treatment could be a good thing as he has been brought to an awareness of how deep his dysfunctional mind patterns go. He doesn't even hear what he's thinking now, his brain process these negative thoughts so fast... he's main lining disaster.
"Yeah" he said with a flinch. "There are some definite things I have to look at once I am off this treatment, and I need to make some personal changes with how I carry myself. I think I'll read that Eckhart Tolle, too."
Okay then, I think we might be getting somewhere...
mantra: disasterbating is a funny word
6 beings spoke up here;:
disasterbating is a very funny word. Forgive me for saying this but when I read your blog as of late it reads like someone who has accepted the inevitable and is simnply hanging around to watch the end of the show. Is that true or are you just a dry humor type person.
Oh, that is so so so so so annoying. I hate it for you, and I hate it for me, too. Sometimes I forget about that strong, sexy, centered, spiritual man I fell in love with.
Coping skills, yeah figured they have failed him. Happens to me all the time. My need to withdraw from the world at large to get it together again. It never mattered at what cost to do this and I hadn’t a clue why it was happening back then. In other words it would certainly appear as if I cared little for anyone or anything around me. I did, but I could not reach for them until I had it together again. Like he, not all I reached for was healthy for myself or others, sex, drugs, booze, etc. Now, I hope, I reach for the better ones. Being able to withdraw comes in many forms and fashions and it is always a luxury, even the bad ones. And yeah I know many feel you should confront them, problems, head on, but they know little about PTSD and especially Complex PTSD. It's important to understand what is really under the surface, the cause, why it is to begin with.
PTSD, yup, know this one well. The bad part is the longer you go with it, without dealing with it, the harder it is to get rid of or at least lessen. It gets to a point where it no longer possible to do, in time. That isn't a made up statement by the way. But, you never truly get rid of the experiences that caused it in the past either, you just learn to cope a bit better, on the good days. Once you have the label, alcoholic, drug addict it can be seriously hard to get a prescription for something like stress. And PTSD causes stress and like I said, it sometimes has to be treated symptomatically and stress is just one of them. Suicide might be another. And that is why we sometimes misdirect our anger. Depression is a bitch and he has that one just from doing the treatment and it should be being monitored. There are sometimes subtle triggers that can set it off and my just knowing them better has been a big help. I can now tell the wife, sometimes, what is happening in the moment. And I can stay away from some of the triggers easier, although they sometimes come out of the sky and that to me is no fucking joke. A helicopter will set me into near panic and if someone didn’t know it happened, just to hear one earlier in the day, they wouldn’t like me to damn much with what they see on the surface actions. Bad hair day, lol, and on most days I don’t give a flying fuck if anyone likes me or not as long as I do. It’s a coping skill. I’m a survivor and the odds that I have, are stacked way against me. I win and the odds won’t, so far.
I haven't seen a lot, or may have missed the details, of your husbands past, I mean way back. But there is something there that set the cycle in motion and I would bet, set up the PTSD before prison. Just a guess, but all the signs are there. And you do know (if you didn’t, you do now) that other things can come about other then twitches and Bipolar is one from blows to the head. Although from what you have described, so far, I wouldn’t guess that is one. He isn’t writing this blog so it matters little, it’s something he has to do, not you, but he also needs to be aware.
You have PTSD as well. You write about your coping skills all the time. And good ones they are.
Still wishing him well and you too. There is so much at stake in this.
postpaleo
You're riding his butt, making him think.
Works for me.
Ah good on ya - and hopefully on him as well.
Man, the mind is really a captivating thing!
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